mental experiments

The title refers to more than poker. I'm actually not doing too bad in my weekly live game; top casher for the "season" out of 25 with about 12 regulars. Online I'm about even right now, down from my peak a few weeks ago but who really cares when you're playing micros.

My mood is very swingy and it's tough to deal with. On "good" days I'm still not where I want to be and on bad days... well, let's just say I'm glad to have the support system that I do. I've been getting in touch more with old friends and it has been very positive. It's still not the same as what I used to have but I guess I just need to deal with the fact that certain people will never be in my life again in the same way. Hard to lose so many of the most important people in your life within a short period of time. I'm not sure if anything will ever make up for that. Either way, I'm still a very lucky person to have what I do and I'm aware of this.

I still get the theoretical wind knocked out of me every once in a while and when that happens I try to talk to my friends about it. This isn't the easiest thing to admit but I used to be on antidepressants. They evened out my mood which is probably one of main reasons I was able to get through the winter, but I decided to stop taking them a few months ago. I've been considering taking them again lately though. I really don't want to but it's pretty exhausting trying to be strong all the time. I think the problem is that sometimes it just feels like there's not much to look forward to in my future. My job is never going to get better and the salary sucks but I like the easygoing lifestyle it allows me. I would get a different job but I haven't been with this company for very long and it looks bad on the CV if I can't stay in one place for a significant period of time without reason. I have a hard time saving up any money since living expenses are pretty high and as soon as I do save a little, something goes wrong and I have to repair my car or some shit. I plan little trips every once in a while that hopefully don't cost me a ton but still give me something to look forward to. I just try not to think about it too much... One day at a time.

I'm using poker as a distraction and trying to get better. I also have a very short attention span and am often playing games on my iPhone while I grind cash or SNGs. I really need to stop doing this and just focus on one thing at a time. I know I'll never be able to make a living playing poker but hopefully I can make enough to provide enough to have fun with and to take the heat off my bank account.

Sigh.

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Had a pretty swingy day yesterday, not that it matters at the stakes I'm playing, but whatever. Also got my first Royal Flush at online real money. Woulda been more satisfying if there was more money or more players involved but I'll take it.

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I haven't played at all online for the past few weeks simply due to a) not caring and b) not having any time to do anything. I've been purposely trying to keep myself busy in order to keep from going insane. So far the jury is still out on how effective that is... I've been a pretty unhappy girl lately so the more distracted I am the better.

I got a second job which I work weekends at and it's been fun so far. Just retail. Main motivators for that decision were to meet new people, make a little extra cash (gas is RIDICULOUS right now and I don't have the most fuel efficient car), and discounts are always nice. In addition to that, I'm doing karate and working out a few times a week plus I started reading again. I also got my motorcycle learner's license and was thinking about getting a bike but everyone keeps telling me I'm going to die lol.

I've been playing at a weekly home game just for company and for something to do. My first few weeks were a little painful since I hadn't played for so long but I'm holding my own pretty well now. The funny thing is my ex goes to these games too. We still get along great, but for some reason when I do well he runs awful and when he does well I crash. Weird.

I've been really stressed out lately, what with everything that's going on in my life and, strangely, poker is kind of a destressor for me. Friends of mine who play for a living prob think I'm retarded for saying that but they're kind of retarded too sooooo yeah! I'm hoping to play a little bit more when I have time so I can stop playing the nosebleeds and head up to micros. Now if only I could figure out how to play properly! Knowing how impatient I am, I'll probably lose interest in a few days again and take another month-long break from online poker.


L

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